It’s HARD to stand by and watch

Posted by on Aug 6, 2011 in General | 0 comments When kids are young, it’s exciting, thrilling to watch them as they struggle to achieve: remember watching as they tried, again and again, to roll over? I’d watch my son on his blanket, his face red with exertion, as he summoned all his strength to learn how to roll over. I felt totally connected to him as I excitedly cheered him on. Then came walking. As he would stand and wobble at the coffee table, holding onto the edges as he circled it, hand over hand, in some crazed folk dance, I was thrilled, amazed — vibrantly loving parenthood. So why aren’t I enthused and delighted when my teen struggles with his developmental tasks: coming home late, not telling me where he is, encountering sex, drugs, and rock and roll? He’s not doing this stuff ‘to’ me — he’s just doing his normal teenager struggles. He’s growing, and struggling — aren’t they the same thing sometimes? Why is this not “cute” anymore – why is this so hard for me to stand by and...
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Voice: slow

Posted by on Jul 18, 2011 in General, Parenting Stance, Parenting Techniques | 2 comments Slowing down – speaking slowly. Not easy in general, and especially not when I am frustrated, uncomfortable, happy or enthusiastic (Dang – I think that’s about all of the time!). AND when I can keep my voice s..l..o..w, I LIKE the way I sound. Kids can hear me better, I can hear me better, and I can stop being so reactive and start responding. In class, we ask, “Do you want to be more like Lil’ Kim, or more like Angelina Jolie?” You get the idea – I really like ME when I am slower and more in control. The speed of my voice with my kids is my temperature gauge: how fast and hot am I running? In class, we use suggestions to get away from the ‘rapid responding mode’ – things like using a shrug (and then another one, if needed), or saying, “hmmm….” or saying, “That’s an interesting idea; I’ll have to think about that.” I like myself a lot more when I speak and respond slowly. I also think of fights I have had and things I regretted saying — almost all of them were said fast. And I think back to my own teenage days, when I would make my parents mad and there would be yelling: time to tune out. Practice: easy: start to notice how quickly or slowly you speak. more challenging: make a concerted effort to think first and speak more slowly. even more challenging: Use nonverbals (shrug, hug, smile), and when you do speak to your child, use 7 words or...
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Voice: low

Posted by on Jul 3, 2011 in General, Parenting Techniques | 0 comments There are a couple of things I can do to keep myself in the calm mode: keep my voice low and keep my voice slow. When I start to get triggered, my voice starts getting…hmmm…. strident? (some might say “bitchy”). When I can hear my voice getting shrill, it gets higher in pitch. So I use my voice as a measuring instrument: when my voice starts climbing, I either consciously lower it, or leave the room. I listen to the pitch. Shrill is not the way I want to go! I think of Marlon Brando playing the Godfather: what power and control in whispering and making people lean in. I want to be that much in control of myself, so “in charge” that I never, NEVER have to yell. We experiment with using “Papa Bear voices” — especially low-toned voices, spoken slowly. It’s funny – we laugh! and there’s no...
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Getting comfortable with discomfort

Posted by on Jun 8, 2011 in General | 0 comments It’s a funny thing about life: it’s teaching me things all the time if I just stop and listen. Back when my sons were about 8 and 10 years old, they used to want to wrestle with each other. I remember one afternoon when I was cooking dinner, and I started to hear some rough-housing escalation in the living room: voices raising, energy level rising. I heard some pushing and tangling going on out there. I stalked out into the living room, shouting, “Stop it! Stop it, now!” They were on the floor, wrapped up around each other and they looked up at me — and the look on their faces wasn’t the extreme-battle-thirst-for-blood-anger look I was expecting, but perplexion: “huh, Mom…?” Oh, crap. It was me that was uncomfortable with what they were doing; they were fine. Oh, crap: this was MY problem, not theirs. As a parent in a recent class asked, “Who’s crap is this?” This was definitely MY crap, my problem, my getting triggered, and so I decided right then and there to get comfortable with discomfort, since it was holding me back. More on this topic soon. Any thoughts? Oh, and yeah, “Wrestling happens...
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Parentcraft defined

Posted by on May 21, 2011 in General | 0 comments PARENTING: late 12c., from O.Fr. parent (11c.), from L. parentem (nom. parens) “father or mother, ancestor,” noun use of prp. ofparere “bring forth, give birth to, produce,” from PIE base *per- “to bring forth” (see pare). Began to replace nativeelder after c.1500. The verb is attested from 1660s. The verbal noun parenting is first recorded 1959 (earlier term had been parentcraft, 1930). (http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=parent&searchmode=none)   Parentcraft: what a great term! There is a distinct talent, skill, ART to parenting. Even the word ‘craft’ evolved from ‘strength and power’ to ‘art, science, talent’ – just like parenting moves from strength (physical and mental) when kids are small, to ‘art, science and talent’ when kids are teens. Skill also includes……….fun! This blog is about all that: the art, science, talent, skill, fun of parentcraft....
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