Voice: slow
Posted by Martha Cravens, Ph.D. on Jul 18, 2011 in General, Parenting Stance, Parenting Techniques | 2 commentsSlowing down – speaking slowly. Not easy in general, and especially not when I am frustrated, uncomfortable, happy or enthusiastic (Dang – I think that’s about all of the time!).
AND when I can keep my voice s..l..o..w, I LIKE the way I sound. Kids can hear me better, I can hear me better, and I can stop being so reactive and start responding. In class, we ask, “Do you want to be more like Lil’ Kim, or more like Angelina Jolie?” You get the idea – I really like ME when I am slower and more in control.
The speed of my voice with my kids is my temperature gauge: how fast and hot am I running? In class, we use suggestions to get away from the ‘rapid responding mode’ – things like using a shrug (and then another one, if needed), or saying, “hmmm….” or saying, “That’s an interesting idea; I’ll have to think about that.” I like myself a lot more when I speak and respond slowly.
I also think of fights I have had and things I regretted saying — almost all of them were said fast. And I think back to my own teenage days, when I would make my parents mad and there would be yelling: time to tune out.
Practice:
easy: start to notice how quickly or slowly you speak.
more challenging: make a concerted effort to think first and speak more slowly.
even more challenging: Use nonverbals (shrug, hug, smile), and when you do speak to your child, use 7 words or less.
This reminds me of my grandmother. When my sister and I were young and we would be arguing at full volume, as young siblings are wont to do, our grandmother would call us over for a chat. She’d try to convince us that it was not necessary to shout to get one’s point across by telling us that it was more effective to drop one’s voice than to raise it. “In fact,” she told us, “when I was a child, I knew when I was *really* in trouble with my mother when she lowered her voice. The lower she spoke, the more trouble I was in.”
Thanks, Hugh – I know exactly what you mean…”young man”…!